Goodbye to You
by Molly4
Summary: Chloe reflects on her three year long crush on Clark, attempting to get over him and her trust issues since her mom left her. Set to "Goodbye to You" by Michelle Branch. WARNING: Angst and insanity will insue


Chloe reflects on her long-lasting crush on Clark. She decides she has to let go. Set to Michelle Branch's "Goodbye To You."  
  
Disclaimers: I don't own any of the Smallville characters or the beautiful song that helped my good friend through a hard time in her life. The song belongs to Michelle Branch...(weird thing, I love her music, but everything else I like is punk rock or grunge)  
  
Warning: Written because Some Guys are Poopy Heads  
  
Rating: PG-13 for some language  
  
  
Goodbye to You  
By: Molly  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
The tears were starting to fall again. With a quick hand Chloe brushed them away. She hated the way she looked when she cried. Her eyes and cheeks were red, and her chin trembled fiercely. Worst of all, her father was only one door away, in his own bedroom. All he had to do was open the door and the...well...the shit would hit the fan. Chloe knew she'd totally break down in her dad asked what was wrong. She was sick of holding in all her feelings. She'd sob in her father's arms for hours and spill out the whole story. Part of Chloe wanted that to happen, but most of her just wanted to be left alone, locked inside her room for the rest of her life, wallowing in self-pity.  
  
Chloe cleared her throat and straightened up. All the tears were gone now. She had to be strong. After all, she had to face Clark in the morning, for school. She had to face the guy she'd wasted three years of her life pining over. She still couldn't believe how stupid she'd been. Chloe knew how perfect a couple she would have made Clark. That should've been the first clue that nothing would work out. Lana and Clark were the picture perfect couple but on a deeper level, they had no chemistry. Whitney and Lana were perfect for each other; both bland and boring and caught up in their own lives. Both looked like they could be in Gap ads. In Chloe's mind that made them the perfect couple.  
  
Clark was different though. He had an amazing mind. He was highly capable of having an intelligent conversation. Sometimes he could even hold his own in the arguments Chloe loved to start. A tiny smile escaped the gloom as Chloe remembered the times they'd spent in the Beanery (back when that was their hangout) arguing about politics and making each other laugh. Chloe even laughed a little remembering how she'd turned both Clark and his father into Dave Barry addicts.   
  
Chloe felt the tears start to fill her eyes when she remembered sitting on Clark's couch in the Fortress of Solitude, his arms around her shoulder, reading her Dave Barry columns. That had been one of the happiest moments of her life. But to Clark it was probably nothing. Just hanging out with his friend. Friend. The word had a bitter ring to it. Chloe bit her lip, and forced the tears back inside. She was sick of crying over Clark Kent.  
  
  
Of all the things I've believed in  
I just want to get it over with  
Tears form behind my eyes  
But I do not cry  
Counting the days that pass me by.  
  
  
Chloe sighed and turned over on her bed. She stared blankly at the ceiling. It had been two weeks since Clark had abandoned her at the dance. Still, the pain was fresh. Once again she took back seat to Lana Lang. Once again her heart was broken. Maybe she and Clark could still be friends. But she wasn't sure she could ever really forgive him.  
  
"I am so selfish," Chloe whispered and it was a struggle to keep from crying. She knew she had to be selfish. Clark had saved Lana's life that day. Was her one stupid dance more important than the life of her friend? But the other part of her, the part that had fallen in love with Clark Kent the moment she'd met him, said she wasn't so selfish. Was it selfish to want Clark to love her back? No, that one side of her said; it was human.   
  
Chloe had always promised herself she'd never go crazy over some guy, and then she'd met Clark. He was different. She's always told Clark he should be a poet and she'd meant it. He was so different from any guy she'd ever met. He was deep and sweet.  
  
There was that one time in history class when they were debating about if people who walked out on their families should pay child support. Chloe, who's day had started out terrific, couldn't stop thinking of her mother who'd never even bothered to give her a phone call ever since she walked out that one day when she was five years. She remembered crying right there in front of everybody but still finding the courage somewhere inside to give her argument. That the parent should give some goddamned child support because they were selfish enough to abandon the child without thinking about what it did to their kid. Making them feel like some unwanted freak. Making them feel like something inside of them was wrong, that they were they reason they left. And child support didn't have to be some stupid money. It had to be showing up at soccer games and school plays, sending a lousy card on birthdays and holidays. Then she's put her head down and cried. The room had been deathly silent before everyone started to applaud.   
  
It was Clark that had put her back together that day. He'd wandered the halls with her during lunch time when the halls were deathly quiet and they never ran into anybody but the occasional teacher. He's walked with his arm around her waist and his face close to hers. "It'll be okay," he kept whispering softly. She'd told him everything she'd never been able to tell her dad. She even told him that she hated her mother and the guilt she felt because she did. How she still cried when she thought of her mother leaving her. Clark, who had two parents who loved him and had the perfect marriage, actually seemed to understand. Maybe because he was adopted. His real parents, at some point for some reason, had given him up too. Clark had even mentioned his adoption. He cried a little when he talked about his real parents. Still, he'd said, he had wonderful parents who made him feel like their own child. And he wouldn't give them up for the world. He had a close relationship with both of his parents just like Chloe had with her father. Clark had made things seem a little better. A lot better. He understood her. It scared her a little, but she had to admit she loved it too.  
  
Clark being there meant so much to her. Meant a lot more than when Mr. Gregory apologized about the debate topic he'd chosen and bought her an ice cream from the machine in the cafeteria. Much more than when a bunch of kids she didn't know flocked around her apologizing and asking what was wrong. She wanted Clark to always be there, holding her when she cried, hiding her from the world when she just needed to be left alone. If that made her selfish, well, she didn't care.  
  
All she'd ever wanted was for Clark to love her.  
  
  
I've been searching deep down in my soul  
Words that I'm hearing  
Are starting to get old  
It feels like I'm starting all over again  
The last three years were just pretend  
  
  
Chloe was at a loss for what to do. How could she face Clark again? How could she ever fall in love again? She'd fallen for Clark and he'd broken her heart repeatedly. She snickered. At least if she ended up a lonely woman with a thousand cats she could have somebody to blame for it all. The boy who'd lead her on and ditched her for the beauty queen. How was she supposed to trust a guy again after what he'd done to her?  
  
Chloe feared that deep down she'd just wasted three years of her life on a guy who'd never love her. He'd been the only guy she'd wanted to go to that dance with. He'd been the only person she'd ever told when she stopped believing in God. And now she had to start all over in the dating game. She refused to let Clark Kent rule her life again. She needed to find somebody new, somebody who would appreciate her for who she was. Somebody who was, preferably, not some kind of super villain. She had nowhere to start. The last three years of her life had basically been dedicated to Clark. The only other guys she'd ever dated had turned out to be freaks of the week.  
  
Chloe shook her head, trying to get the images out of her head. Happy images of dancing with Clark to her favorite song, looking up at his smile and leaning in, oh so close, for that kiss. And being stopped. Once again it was over before it could even start. Goddamn fate.   
  
It didn't matter anymore. Clark Kent could no longer make her cry. Chloe refused to let it happen. She had to let go.  
  
  
And I said  
Goodbye to you  
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew  
You were the one I love  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to  
  
  
"Goodbye Clark Kent," Chloe said softly.   
  
It sounded distorted in her ears. She closed her eyes and all she could see was a little heart with an arrow through it. Something she'd probably doodle in a random notebook somewhere. "Clark Kent + Chloe Sullivan," it said in dorky middle school fashion where to find out if somebody like you, you had to ask a friend to ask a friend to ask a friend to ask his friend if he liked you. Now there was a simpler time. Nobody dated because everybody was too scared the other didn't like them. It was such bliss that Chloe wanted to go back to seventh grade again where everybody would rather claw their own eyeballs out than admit they liked a guy or girl.   
  
"Goodbye Clark Kent," she said again.   
  
She was starting to get used to it, but it still sounded funny. She didn't want to say goodbye. She wanted to kiss him and put her arms around his neck and feel so pretty. Being Clark Kent's girl.  
  
  
I still get lost in your eyes  
And it seems that I can't live a day  
without you  
Closing my eyes and you chase  
my thoughts away  
To a place where   
I am blinded by the light  
But it's not right  
  
  
Chloe knew she'd still feel that spark of excitement every time she passed Clark in the hall and he flashed her a smile. Her head would still get light every time she saw him shirtless and sweaty working on the farm. She'd still love him. Always. But it couldn't be. They could not be together. They just didn't fit. At least that what she told herself. She still knew they'd make the perfect couple. But Clark didn't know that, and he never would. He'd always be hung up on Lana Lang. There was nothing she could do about it. She had to suck it up and deal.  
  
Chloe gritted her teeth remembering all the times Clark had acted like he felt the same. Every time he'd playfully ran his hands through her hair, every time he'd greeted her with a hug. Every time he'd kissed her! Chloe didn't know about Clark but in her book you did not kiss somebody that you had no romantic feelings for. Most importantly you did not lead a friend to believe that you'd fallen for them before dumping them at the big dance and leaving them humiliated and alone. Crying on Pete's shoulder.  
  
"I wish I could fall for Pete Ross. I really do. He'd never pull this type of shit on me. He's not so emotionally complicated like Clark is. He'd never abandon me for another girl. Despite Pete's claiming he's a player, I know in my heart that if he had a girlfriend he'd be loyal to her. Always loyal. Except when he had to tell her to go ahead and dance with Jim Sanders because he needed to give his friend a shoulder to cry on. Pete would never lead me on. That's what need to do. Fall in love with Pete Ross." Chloe babbled to herself quietly.  
  
Still, Chloe knew she'd always love Clark Kent. Always.   
  
Why couldn't love be logical.  
  
  
Goodbye to you  
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew  
You were the one I loved  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to  
  
  
"Goodbye Clark Kent."  
  
It came out a little easier now. Sounded a little more natural.   
  
  
And it hurts to want everything and  
nothing at the same time  
I want what's yours  
and I want what's mine  
I want you  
But I'm not giving in this time  
  
  
Chloe swallowed the lump in her throat. 'I won't give in again,' she told herself. No, she wouldn't give in to the Kent charm, his smile, his eyes. That was all over with. In her heart she still longed for him, but her head told her he'd only bring her more pain. She needed to let go and move on.  
  
Chloe was proud of herself a bit. Though Clark had sort of given her a chance when they were searching for Mr. Kent she had rejected him. It had hurt so bad to see him walk away but there was that tiny sense of pride knowing that maybe she could get over Clark Kent. Maybe she could love somebody as much as she'd loved him. She still wanted him, still wanted his minty lips against hers. But she'd be strong. She'd resist the urge. She couldn't be weak anymore. Clark Kent was someone of the past. That was it. He was no more.  
  
Chloe rolled over. She was facing the wall this time. She mentally went over every guy she knew or had heard of in the school. She went over them again. The only people that even seemed to stand out as good date material were Pete and a guy named Gary Hobson, a gorgeous, deep, high honor roll, super athlete, with a heart of gold, who, of course, already had a girlfriend. He'd been the one guy who had resisted Lana Lang. As his girlfriend, a spunky, punk rocker named Carrie had said, "He recognized that that Lang girl has a personality like a fucking disease." Chloe laughed a little bit. Maybe that was stretching it a bit. Lana was boring and kind of self-centered, but she was Chloe's friend and she'd learned to accept her, faults and all.   
  
Maybe what Chloe needed was somebody completely new. Not that that would really work. New kids didn't come often to Smallville and when they did there was usually something about them that was Wall of Weird material. Chloe didn't want to spend the rest of her life waiting for Mr. Right to move to Smallville.  
  
Her heart could never truly give up on Clark Kent. Her heart did not want to admit that Clark saw her as nothing more than a friend. Nothing but a friend. That was it. Her heart rejected that fact and claimed that he could not love Lana Lang forever. Maybe someday he'd notice the way he and Chloe's personalities fit together. But Chloe knew, in her head, that her heart was an idiot. She would love Clark Kent forever, just as Clark Kent would love Lana Lang forever. Chloe could move on, find a new guy, get married someday and have kids, but she'd never stop loving Clark Kent. She'd never stop wondering what could have been.  
  
  
Goodbye to you  
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew  
You were the one I loved  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to  
  
  
"Goodbye Clark Kent."  
  
There wasn't so much pain in her heart now. Maybe someday she could say it painlessly.  
  
  
And when the stars fall  
I will lie awake  
You're my shooting star  
  
  
Chloe looked out at the sky. She couldn't help herself; she began to cry a little bit. She imagined Clark looking through his telescope at the stars, and at Lana. Clark would never look at her like he looked at Lana. Like nothing mattered as long as she loved him back.  
  
Life sucked.  
  
There was a soft knocking on the door.  
  
"Chloe? Baby, can I come in?"  
  
Chloe didn't even bother to wipe the tears away.  
  
"Yes," she said weakly, sitting up.  
  
Gabe Sullivan entered tentatively. He sat down on the edge of Chloe's bed and wrapped her in a fatherly hug. Chloe leaned her head on his chest and sobbed into his shirt. Maybe she shouldn't keep things in so much anymore.  
  
Gabe rocked her softly back and forth.  
  
"Shhh....shh....Baby why are you crying? Why don't you tell me about it?" Gabe spoke very softly.  
  
Chloe was silent for a minute. She was afraid he wouldn't understand, and, at the same time, afraid he would. She was afraid of what he would say, and what he would think. She'd never really trusted somebody since her mother had left. She's trusted her father to an extent but Chloe was the first to admit that they weren't emotionally close, like Clark and his dad, who talked about girls and feelings of hopelessness, and what scared him. When they'd wandered the halls that day after history class, Clark had told him that he told his father just about everything. Chloe had been a little jealous. She'd never had the courage to tell her father everything. There was still that lingering fear that he'd leave her to. Like her mom had. Like Clark had at the dance.  
  
"Daddy, I need to talk to you," Chloe whispered softly.  
  
"I'm here," Gabe replied, kissing her on the forehead. "I'll always be here for you. I promise. You can trust me." He paused. "I love you."  
  
Chloe buried herself deeper into his hug. For the first time in a long time she felt loved and safe.  
  
"Goodbye Clark Kent," she whispered almost silently to her father's tie.  
  
There was no pain this time.  
  
*finis*  
  
Read and review please. I have so many songfic ideas rattling around in my brain. Good reviews will bring more soon. 


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